Too much to ask
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Too much to ask

The problem with my career is it gives me too much insight. My job requires me to have an understanding of behaviour at it's most primal form. Though it is a blessing, it is also a curse.

I encounter a lot of disappointment daily when dealing with people. Perhaps ignorance is bliss?
I live by one simple statement, “actions speak louder than words.” I have learned extremely quickly that people talk a lot. I have let myself fall victim to promises and empty words. Words I held with much meaning, but soon came to find out, they meant nothing.

I also won't let anyone promise me anything. I stop them. I won't allow it and I will tell them not to promise. Promises were meant to be broken. I'd rather not be disappointed. If someone tells me they promise, I take it seriously. So, I have learned not to allow promises to be said. Even with Sylvanus. I won't let him promise me anything. Will I tell people I promise? Yes, I do actually, and when I say it I mean it.

I have a hard time understanding people's actions when their words mean something different.

Don't tell me I'm your best friend and not mean it. Don't tell me you adore me and not mean it. Don't tell me you love me when you don't mean it! One of my 2009 resolutions has been to work on my friendships. There are too many friendships that I take for granted. Take C, for instance. He and I have been close friends for a long time now. Strangely enough, he was the best friend of my first ex (all those years ago). He actually thought it was because of me that he and my now ex never hung out anymore. Once I set him straight, somehow, we developed a very close relationship. He has always brought me up when I was down. We have a deep understanding of each other. He's the type of friend that if you don't talk to for months, you can still pick up where you left off when you see each other again.
In any case, I have decided I need to spend more time “feeding” our friendship. So, when he texted me the other night with a simple hello, I answered him right away. Then a little bit of time passed. He asked me how I was. I told him about my recent trip to the dentist and ended with a blah. More time passes. He answers with a chuckling understanding. I ask him how he is and tells him what the date is for our wedding. He answers with a “sweet”. (I'm assuming that was “sweet” for the wedding day.) I then decide to give him TMI and let him in on the biopsy and the results. He's my good friend and I know anything about my health would be of concern to him. I admit to being a little dramatic by telling him I have pre-cancerous cells and I am having cryoSURGERY. His reply? There was none. Never. Not even today. Not even after I sent him a text telling him I emailed him a link to the pictures of the New Years party we attended. He answered with an awesome and that was it.


Look, I don't expect people to be available for a chat 24/7, but can you express some common courtesy here? Can you at least tell me, hey, work got busy, we'll chat later? I don't understand why he would start a conversation with me when he clearly didn't have the time to chat. The delay in his responses was a clear indication. I also don't understand why my telling him about my cryotherapy never got a reply. I guess that kind of stung.
Is it not enough to have people act on their own accord? Is it too much to ask that I not have to tell you what I want you to do all the time? Do I need to tell you how to act or what to do with me? This is one of the reasons why Sylvanus and myself get along so great. We don't need to tell the other what to do. We just naturally know. We pretty much think about each other all the time.
Having to tell someone how to act, doesn't work for me. It was one of the BIG reasons I left my last ex. I started having desires, deviant desires, during our relationship. I wanted to be tied up and spanked. I wanted to be roughed up a bit. Him? He wasn't into that and had the nerve to tell me it's fake and not me. But beyond that, telling him what to do just made the relationship crumble. Sure I can tell him how to touch me, what to do here, what to say there… but does that really make things right? I think not. Having someone go through the motions because that's what I asked them to do, is simply that, going through the motions. There isn't this natural desire nor passion for doing so because they want to.

Granted, there is a huge difference between telling someone what you would like and they get into it and never forget and things expand from there. I'm talking about telling someone what you would like from them and they do it once and things kind of stop there. They don't get the hint. They naturally do not have that drive.
I guess the bottom line is, I would like to have people in my life that take the initiative. Is it always up to me to reach out? If someone only talks to me when I reach out to them, is it not reasonable that I may want to stand back and see what they will do? Is it too much to ask that if someone notices my absence that they tell me they did? Is it too much to ask that if you tell me you like me, that you act like it, without me telling you how to act like it? I think someone who truly likes you, doesn't need to be told how to act, they just do.

I'll end this rant with another example. Months ago, I came across a girl on the net. We named her Petra. She and I flirted a bit and one day we pretty much had a full blown cyber session. For the first time ever, I had real feelings for another girl. I was crushing on her big time. We meshed well together. (As well as two people can over the net). After the first day of our interaction, I sent her an email, asking her some questions. I also noticed that during that same evening, she never reached out to me to say hello. To make this story short, for every email sent, I got no reply. She rarely contacted me at all in the evenings or on weekends. But during the work day, the internet was flamed by our flirtation. She admitted that this was the first time she had been sexually excited about another woman and she was a little scared by it. I backed off a bit and gave her space. Still no communication came. She continued to want to play during the work day, but I began feeling used and slowly my crush faded to disappointment. Eventually, her desk was moved to an open space in the office where anyone could see her screen. Our IMs stopped because she couldn't sign in anymore. I have never heard from her since. At least she was kind enough to tell me that she would be vacant from the computer. I miss her still. I really liked her. I still think about her. Sometimes, I want to send her an email, badly. But I don't. Why

I don't. Why do you ask? Why should I open that wound again? I don't want to send her another email that will go unanswered. I don't want to open up the chance of something and be disappointed once more. If you truly like someone, you make time for them and you try to contact them whenever you can.